Raising Boys' Achievements

Give them Future Direction and Emotional Intelligence

by Helen Whitten and Diane Carrington

Anyone who has raised or taught boys knows that they are often sensitive but that they learn at an early age to disguise their sensitivity in bravado and group strength. They need help taking time out to identify their own unique talents, gain a sense of long-term vision and develop the emotional intelligence required to feel confident to achieve. This article will follow some of the themes in our book FUTURE DIRECTIONS; Practical Ways to develop Emotional Intelligence and Confidence in young people which is an interactive guide full of exercises and activities for teachers, mentors and parents.

Emotional Wellbeing and Self-Knowledge

Boys are action-packed and take less time out to stop and think. Unless you help them identify their strengths and unique contributions it is easy for them to become part of a non-achieving group who think it is 'cool' not to succeed. Through practical exercises such as mapping their achievements so far in life and identifying what they need to do to be at their best you can begin to show them that they have choices about where they focus their thoughts and attention.

Emotional intelligence is a key ingredient to success in the 21st century and is achieved through understanding and managing the role of emotions in everyday life. Demonstrating the impact of thoughts and expectations on emotions helps boys become aware of cause and effect - for example if they have an expectation that they ought to be able to do better than one of the girls in their class in a test they will feel a sense of disappointment and failure if they don't. If they thought instead "I would prefer to be able to do better but can accept myself if I don't but will try harder next time" this helps them feel confident but also motivates them to achieve more in future.

Helping them define success is also important - who are their heroes? Do they want to be like them or do they respect them because they are today's celebrities? Getting them to think about whether status, money or philanthropy are what they admire can help them get some clues about what they will choose for a career.

Shaping Personal Aspirations

The leader of a pack influences the goals of the whole group. Working with boys to define personal values and set long-term goals aligned to those values gives them the courage to stand up for their aspirations. This is achieved by giving them practical exercises and activities that help them identify the benefits of living life today based on their long-term goals of personal success even if it jeopardises the short-term goal of being part of the in-crowd. 'Telling' them won't work; helping them create their own long-term dreams and strategies will, as it moves them beyond peer and parental expectations so that they take ownership of their own future.

Practicalities of Leaving Home and School

Many boys are still raised with the expectation that someone else will manage the domestic area of life. This is unfair as it does not give them independence. Treat them as adults and give them the lifeskills and practical guidance they need to run their home, clothes, money and time on their own. Young men today are proud of being able to look after themselves and are enjoying the art of cooking - look at Jamie Oliver!

Articulating Personal Strengths and Contributions

Teenagers are often depicted as grunting imbeciles and need practice at the art of conversation. Helping boys understand that people think and communicate in different styles and from different perspectives enables them to understand that they can adapt their language in order to engage the attention of university or employer interviewers. Suggest they write an 'Elevator Pitch'. This is a short speech of about 30 seconds that focuses on the personal contribution they would bring to a university or an organisation. This should include their successes, their interests, what makes them tick and why someone should want to offer them a place. Unless they have defined these strengths for themselves they will never be able to articulate them to others!

Taking Charge of the Future

"Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being"
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Treat boys in the way you would wish them to behave. Believe in them. See them as having the potential for success even if they are not demonstrating this yet. As soon as you treat them as incapable or not fitting into your mould of how they 'should be' behaving you may find that they give up on you. Boys are growing up in a changing world where the traditional role and status of men is challenged and shifting to new ground. Boys are frequently taught by mainly female teachers and in today's world are often brought up by single mothers. This can be confusing so help them value themselves as boys. Help them to feel good in themselves and to identify positive role models. 'Macho' ways are less valued in the world of work now and young boys have the power to influence and shape the future by defining the positive contribution they can make to this new world order.

Boys often interpret advice as 'nagging' so instead of giving them advice ask them questions and give them practical exercises that develop their ability to think for themselves and create their own solutions. We believe this process will enable boys to choose to raise their own achievement levels and we hope our book will help!

Comment from a 24 year old on the article on Raising boys' achievements:

I think it is very good and highlights a lot of the problems young guys feel. I totally agree with parts such as the bit about nagging and the section about making them feel that it is them motivating themselves.

One thing I've noticed about this and one that any teenage boy would leap up and tell you, is that these traits are anything but unique to boys. Girls certainly have leaders in terms of social groups and trends etc.. They are also prone to getting into spirals of descent (i.e. thinking that NOT achieving is cool). At school and similarly among young girls in university, they were drinking and smoking and hanging out with older boys and doing the whole "too cool for school" routine at the same time if not before their male peers. So when you say that boys roles are changing in society, we must accept that girls are too; we are both moving toward a more centre ground, and it is that uncertainty of roles (male and female) that can make boys feel uncomfortable. I feel this even now at work.. wanting to be the modern, metrosexual and intellectual type of guy, but feeling left out if I don't know the football scores!

All in all though I agree, and think that probably the most important thing is allowing teenage boys to retain their pride. They MUST feel that they are self-motivating, as outside motivation often falls on dead ears simply because it comes from someone older and more settled. If advice is given it should generally be done in a way that shows fallibility on the part of the giver.. (i.e that whilst someone is older and wiser, they are only older and wiser because they've made their own mistakes) that way it is more of a peer to peer relationship and more the advice of a learned friend than a preaching teacher/parent.

4 September 2006